12 days and counting down!

Here I am... 12 days away from my goal date! I'm wavering between the last three steps.  "Can" and "Will" are my challenges and I have 12 days to figure them out.  I figure I've been through all the other steps in the past 6 months, I can make it up the last couple!

The day after the frigid 26 miler that turned into an 18 miler for me, I went to a talk put on by Run Wild Missoula about "The Wall." Our lovely speaker was Dr. Charlie Palmer, a psychologist in the Department of Health and Human Development at the University of Montana.  I really wish I had the courage to go and talk with him personally because I really feel as though exercise and health in general is more of a psychological issue than a physical one... at least for me.
Anyway, Dr. Palmer talked a lot about the physical issues involved with hitting the wall. This is what they've really been able to study: our body's reaction when hitting "The Wall", carbohydrate depletion and dehydration causes the body to react... but I've trained for those. I know my body can do this.  I know what I'm going to eat and drink on the run and I know how I'm going to conquer my physical issues on the run.  I know that if I have any problems in this marathon it will be with my mind somehow thinking that I can not finish.  So I'm going in with a plan.
Dr. Palmer also talked about making sure you have goals.  Yes, I have a goal to finish but he talked specifically of tiered goals and more specifically PACE: Primary, Alternate, Contingency, and Emergency.
Soooooooo....
Primary: Finish the marathon in 7 hours. For the majority of you, that seems SLOW but it's about a 16 min. mile-ish.  That'll put me across the finish line before they take down the balloons!!!
Alternate: Finish continuing my Galloway run/walk/run but at a slower pace.
Contingency: Walk across the finish line.
Emergency: Drop out.  THIS will only be happening in an emergency.  I might even ask them to wheel me across the finish line.  HA!

I also have asked Kevin to meet me at certain spots on my route and have also learned that an awesome friend of mine is doing a water station at mile 10! My family and future sister-in-law will also be there and I'm hoping their smiling cheering faces will help carry me through! Maybe I can even get them to run the last couple with me to distract me from the pain! I've studied the map and I've run the majority of it.  I'm ready to get this DONE!!!

*BIG SIGH*

Well, this was it folks, the BIG weekend.  The practice run for the 26.2 mile race.  We even planned it so that we would be out at the start of our 26.2 mile run at the same time that we would start the real marathon on July 8th.  I left the house with my in-laws with my head held high, ready to take on the challenge.  I had dreamed about the run... making it over Blue Mountain, running through the streets of Missoula, running over the Higgins St. Bridge without stopping, picturing the crowd as I crossed the finish line.
And the proverbial and literal storm hit.
I got frustrated with my glasses getting clouded over and the rain making my vision blurry so I took them off.  I figured, if it's going to be blurry, it might as well be blurry without rain drops right?
I was drenched by mile 6 but Maggie and I joked our way through... "We are marathoners." "We are f*ing crazy!"
I would say mile 10 is about where I really started to lose it.  I couldn't see, I was soaked to the bone, the rain wasn't letting up, I was cold... there was so much I was fighting.   And to be quite honest with you, because I couldn't see very well, I could not get out of my head! There was no scenery I could look at and we had exhausted our highly interesting conversation topics already... Maggie was trying to get me to sing "Baby Got Back" and various other classics... But I couldn't get out.  I fought with my head for a good 10 miles (because I started to lose it before mile 10) before I finally broke down in tears and said "I'm done."
Sue called Kevin and he came and got me.  I cried for the next 45 minutes.  I cried while he got me into a hot bath and I cried when I realized how fast my bath water lost it's heat because of my freezing body.  I cried when I realized I didn't make it and I cried when I realized how completely awesome and loving my husband is. And I tearing up now, thinking about the whole experience....   And then I put my fleece pants on, two long-sleeved shirts, and my snuggie, wrapped up in a warm blanket and slept for the next two hours while my body and mind recovered.

Am I disappointed? HELL YES! I'm still questioning whether or not I could've pushed through... whether or not I crapped out because I'm weak.  I HATE those questions... but I will never know, and I cannot dwell on them.

And I'm going to have to hold my head up and get back out there because I will be finishing the race on July 8th.