Sue took off like a banshee and Maggie and I were left to contemplate the hell we were about to endure. We had smiles on our faces until about mile 10, when we realized the heat and the pace we started with probably were going to be our demise. We kept truckin... Walked the majority of Big Flat road (which is NOT flat) and headed into town where my family met us and I had my first tearful breakdown at mile 17. They left me energized, however, and Mom made sure I got my sunscreen and we headed into town!
Maggie and I then had to make the decision to slow down and walk again. We were fighting nausea because of the heat and our fuel was making us sick. We decided right there that we might have to walk the rest of the course.
I think mile 24 was when I really started to lose it. I know it sounds crazy so close to the finish, and it's not something I've been able to figure out yet. I just wanted to stop. My mind didn't want to go anymore. Thankfully about this time, Kevin came by on his bike... and then a pace-group leader (also named Kevin) came to walk with us... and then my family. I was still losing it, but they helped me cross the finish line and Maggie and I even finished it running (and most certainly crying). We finished in 8 hours.
It's taken me awhile to process the on-slot of emotions that has come at me since the finish of the Missoula Marathon on July 8th. I'm still processing a lot and the whole experience is still bringing tears to my eyes but I will share with you what I have been able to process.
I am proud of myself for starting something and completing it. The race itself was brutal and I am still uncertain if I will ever do that again. Maggie somehow convinced me to cross the finish line even though I wanted to quit with only 1/2 mile left (and many times before that)... I can't even tell you how those thoughts crossed my mind or why I thought it was okay, they just did.
Many people have compared this experience to child-birth, knowing that I joined this program to get my ready for baby... but I'm seeing a MAJOR difference here and that is that after child birth, I will have a beautiful child that will bring me joy and happiness for the rest of my life. Right now, all I have from the marathon is awful blisters on the bottoms of my feet and a couple of brutal chaff-age marks on my sides and arms... oh and pride, pride in knowing that I can do it and that I finished.
Maybe what I'm feeling now is like postpartum... because I don't really feel good about Sunday. Yeah, I finished. I crossed the finish line and completed a 6 month program and did 26.2 miles. But I'm a little sad when I look at the pictures of the race online and know that I didn't get the crowds of people and I didn't finish with a picture. They took down the majority of the course before I finished and it's a little defeating. No, I didn't give up and I conquered a huge goal, but I can't help but feel a little sad about the whole thing. I really wanted to do better.
I posted on my Facebook about the courage it takes to stay on the course for that long. 8 hours. 8 hours of moving forward toward a finish line. THIS is what I am most proud of. My courage to finish and complete something I started. It's almost embarrassing to be the last couple of people across... ALMOST! But then you think about how much that person had to overcome to be the last person across: we're not just talking embarrassment, but physical pain, mental pain, emotional pain, endurance, heat, sweat, tears, you name it, that person has probably gone through it in those 8 hours on the course. And I've suddenly realized that I have started using the word "you" instead of "me" because maybe that makes it easier for me to write about but maybe I'm not ready yet.
Maybe that's just it... Maybe, I'm not ready yet.
