I did it!

3:00 am was the time I chose to get up.  I did not sleep well the night before but I hear that's normal for your first marathon (and for some, every marathon).  I managed to get myself out of bed and have my normal pre-run meal of oatmeal with blueberries and peanut butter.  Got myself to the buses where it was pure chaos.  People were trying to meet their friends, I was trying to find my running buddies... I never found them and wound up getting on the bus late for my 5:00 am start.  Thanks to the lovely race director, he let me on the course with tears in my eyes to start at 5:05.
Sue took off like a banshee and Maggie and I were left to contemplate the hell we were about to endure.  We had smiles on our faces until about mile 10, when we realized the heat and the pace we started with probably were going to be our demise.  We kept truckin... Walked the majority of Big Flat road (which is NOT flat) and headed into town where my family met us and I had my first tearful breakdown at mile 17.  They left me energized, however, and Mom made sure I got my sunscreen and we headed into town!
Maggie and I then had to make the decision to slow down and walk again.  We were fighting nausea because of the heat and our fuel was making us sick.  We decided right there that we might have to walk the rest of the course.
I think mile 24 was when I really started to lose it.  I know it sounds crazy so close to the finish, and it's not something I've been able to figure out yet.  I just wanted to stop.  My mind didn't want to go anymore.  Thankfully about this time, Kevin came by on his bike... and then a pace-group leader (also named Kevin) came to walk with us... and then my family.  I was still losing it, but they helped me cross the finish line and Maggie and I even finished it running (and most certainly crying).  We finished in 8 hours.

It's taken me awhile to process the on-slot of emotions that has come at me since the finish of the Missoula Marathon on July 8th.  I'm still processing a lot and the whole experience is still bringing tears to my eyes but I will share with you what I have been able to process.
I am proud of myself for starting something and completing it.  The race itself was brutal and I am still uncertain if I will ever do that again.  Maggie somehow convinced me to cross the finish line even though I wanted to quit with only 1/2 mile left (and many times before that)... I can't even tell you how those thoughts crossed my mind or why I thought it was okay, they just did.
Many people have compared this experience to child-birth, knowing that I joined this program to get my ready for baby... but I'm seeing a MAJOR difference here and that is that after child birth, I will have a beautiful child that will bring me joy and happiness for the rest of my life.  Right now, all I have from the marathon is awful blisters on the bottoms of my feet and a couple of brutal chaff-age marks on my sides and arms... oh and pride, pride in knowing that I can do it and that I finished.
Maybe what I'm feeling now is like postpartum... because I don't really feel good about Sunday.  Yeah, I finished.  I crossed the finish line and completed a 6 month program and did 26.2 miles.  But I'm a little sad when I look at the pictures of the race online and know that I didn't get the crowds of people and I didn't finish with a picture.  They took down the majority of the course before I finished and it's a little defeating.  No, I didn't give up and I conquered a huge goal, but I can't help but feel a little sad about the whole thing.  I really wanted to do better.
I posted on my Facebook about the courage it takes to stay on the course for that long.  8 hours.  8 hours of moving forward toward a finish line.  THIS is what I am most proud of.  My courage to finish and complete something I started.  It's almost embarrassing to be the last couple of people across... ALMOST!  But then you think about how much that person had to overcome to be the last person across: we're not just talking embarrassment, but physical pain, mental pain, emotional pain, endurance, heat, sweat, tears, you name it, that person has probably gone through it in those 8 hours on the course.  And I've suddenly realized that I have started using the word "you" instead of "me" because maybe that makes it easier for me to write about but maybe I'm not ready yet.

Maybe that's just it... Maybe, I'm not ready yet.

12 days and counting down!

Here I am... 12 days away from my goal date! I'm wavering between the last three steps.  "Can" and "Will" are my challenges and I have 12 days to figure them out.  I figure I've been through all the other steps in the past 6 months, I can make it up the last couple!

The day after the frigid 26 miler that turned into an 18 miler for me, I went to a talk put on by Run Wild Missoula about "The Wall." Our lovely speaker was Dr. Charlie Palmer, a psychologist in the Department of Health and Human Development at the University of Montana.  I really wish I had the courage to go and talk with him personally because I really feel as though exercise and health in general is more of a psychological issue than a physical one... at least for me.
Anyway, Dr. Palmer talked a lot about the physical issues involved with hitting the wall. This is what they've really been able to study: our body's reaction when hitting "The Wall", carbohydrate depletion and dehydration causes the body to react... but I've trained for those. I know my body can do this.  I know what I'm going to eat and drink on the run and I know how I'm going to conquer my physical issues on the run.  I know that if I have any problems in this marathon it will be with my mind somehow thinking that I can not finish.  So I'm going in with a plan.
Dr. Palmer also talked about making sure you have goals.  Yes, I have a goal to finish but he talked specifically of tiered goals and more specifically PACE: Primary, Alternate, Contingency, and Emergency.
Soooooooo....
Primary: Finish the marathon in 7 hours. For the majority of you, that seems SLOW but it's about a 16 min. mile-ish.  That'll put me across the finish line before they take down the balloons!!!
Alternate: Finish continuing my Galloway run/walk/run but at a slower pace.
Contingency: Walk across the finish line.
Emergency: Drop out.  THIS will only be happening in an emergency.  I might even ask them to wheel me across the finish line.  HA!

I also have asked Kevin to meet me at certain spots on my route and have also learned that an awesome friend of mine is doing a water station at mile 10! My family and future sister-in-law will also be there and I'm hoping their smiling cheering faces will help carry me through! Maybe I can even get them to run the last couple with me to distract me from the pain! I've studied the map and I've run the majority of it.  I'm ready to get this DONE!!!

*BIG SIGH*

Well, this was it folks, the BIG weekend.  The practice run for the 26.2 mile race.  We even planned it so that we would be out at the start of our 26.2 mile run at the same time that we would start the real marathon on July 8th.  I left the house with my in-laws with my head held high, ready to take on the challenge.  I had dreamed about the run... making it over Blue Mountain, running through the streets of Missoula, running over the Higgins St. Bridge without stopping, picturing the crowd as I crossed the finish line.
And the proverbial and literal storm hit.
I got frustrated with my glasses getting clouded over and the rain making my vision blurry so I took them off.  I figured, if it's going to be blurry, it might as well be blurry without rain drops right?
I was drenched by mile 6 but Maggie and I joked our way through... "We are marathoners." "We are f*ing crazy!"
I would say mile 10 is about where I really started to lose it.  I couldn't see, I was soaked to the bone, the rain wasn't letting up, I was cold... there was so much I was fighting.   And to be quite honest with you, because I couldn't see very well, I could not get out of my head! There was no scenery I could look at and we had exhausted our highly interesting conversation topics already... Maggie was trying to get me to sing "Baby Got Back" and various other classics... But I couldn't get out.  I fought with my head for a good 10 miles (because I started to lose it before mile 10) before I finally broke down in tears and said "I'm done."
Sue called Kevin and he came and got me.  I cried for the next 45 minutes.  I cried while he got me into a hot bath and I cried when I realized how fast my bath water lost it's heat because of my freezing body.  I cried when I realized I didn't make it and I cried when I realized how completely awesome and loving my husband is. And I tearing up now, thinking about the whole experience....   And then I put my fleece pants on, two long-sleeved shirts, and my snuggie, wrapped up in a warm blanket and slept for the next two hours while my body and mind recovered.

Am I disappointed? HELL YES! I'm still questioning whether or not I could've pushed through... whether or not I crapped out because I'm weak.  I HATE those questions... but I will never know, and I cannot dwell on them.

And I'm going to have to hold my head up and get back out there because I will be finishing the race on July 8th.

WHOA 23 MILES!!!

The last couple of weeks of school are crazy busy so I haven't had a lot of time to type out my experience on our 23 mile run.  It is now the last Saturday before I'm officially a free woman for the summer, however, and I'm free of commitments for the rest of the 3 day weekend (except for our run tomorrow morning) so I better sit down and blog this out!

My experience on the 23 mile run was quite amazing.  It's obviously the furthest I've ever run before and my body and mind experienced things I've never felt before.  I've taken to mentally breaking up my runs and I didn't even really realize that I was doing it until Momma Sue pointed it out on our make-up run a couple of weeks ago.  She said "Isn't it amazing that we just ran out to Bonner and all the way back to your house?" Mentally, I had broken that run into a run out to Bonner and back and then a run in town to my house! 

So my first run on the 23 miler was awesome! We went up the Rattlesnake area and around some of the trails up there.  It was cool and beautiful and a nice run! 

My second run was a little tougher! We ran on the Kim Williams trail for awhile and then veered onto the Bitterroot trail and then up to 39th street... this is where I started to struggle.  My mind was having issues earlier than this but my savior Carol starting telling me about a trip of her's and my mind was distracted until my stomach started to cramp up on 39th street.  It was TERRIBLE! My other savior Donna fed me a peanut butter sandwich and I felt better but it was starting to get hot and we'd been at this for a good 4+ hours! 

It's quite miraculous what your body can do.  The 18 mile mark was where I really figured this out! I hit a wall at mile 18 and fought with that wall... mentally, physically, my body went through waves of nausea that I thought would take me out...  you name it, I struggled through it. By mile 20, I was ready to give up.  And then, out of the corner of my mind, came a little voice that said "But there's only 3 more miles!" and then it got louder "ONLY 3 MORE MILES!" and it got louder with every mile "TWO MORE MILES!!!!" and relief when that last mile came into my mind " ONE LAST MILE!!!!! YOU'VE GOT IT!" 

I didn't run across the bridge as I had planned because I was still fighting those waves of nausea but I didn't give up and I finished my 23 miles!!!! 

And the best part is... we only have 3 more miles until I've run a full marathon!!!! 

Gearing up...again

okay, so I run instead of swim... and to be honest, I'd love to be swimming instead... I love to swim.  Maybe my next adventure will be triathlon. I'd have to fix my bike.  ANYWAY! (I guess I'm a little like Dori right now).

So um... last Sunday... Sue and I ran to Bonner and back and then all the way out to my house on the other side of town... yeah, it was just like that.  It was kinda cool!
This Sunday, was crazy busy and I missed the magic mile.  I've missed the magic mile with the group every time since the first one but I haven't had to miss a long run yet! So I did my own magic mile tonight and figured out that a) I probably shouldn't run after dinner and b) there's an adorable family of foxes by the fort that messed up my time a bit! I shaved 20 seconds off my MM though.

I'm getting burned out.  I'm pretty sure it's because school is getting so close to being out.  I'm ready for a change in pace and I'm excited to change up my running times to when I'm not exhausted from tracking down kiddos.  I'm just plain exhausted and I feel like I'm forcing myself to run at this point.  I'm also ready for the process to be over... more because I'm excited to see how this whole thing is going to turn out! I want to see the end result of 6 months of training! For now though I guess I'll "just keep running, running, running. just keep running"

20...er.. nope

Sunday's 20 miler was eventful! I learned some lessons through someone else this week (names unmentioned... but you'll probably figure things out... HA) and have the same person to thank for REPEATING the run next Sunday!
We'll just say... 11.5 miles, hospital for a loved one, babysit- soccer game, pictures, playing, CRAZY! When my head hit the pillow Sunday, I felt like I had run 20 miles even though we ended early.

I will say that I am playing serious mental games with myself this week... going to the hospital was a lose/lose situation.  My mind is now playing tricks on me saying that I used my friend going to the hospital as an excuse to get out of the rest of the run.  My mind is telling me that I knew Mags would be fine.
My heart is telling me that I would have kicked myself for finishing the run too.  My heart is telling me that my nephews needed me and Mags needed me and I did a good thing. AND if something had been seriously wrong, I really would have regretted the run.
It's a good thing Sue and I will be making up the run next Sunday so I can shut my mind up!!!!

Okay so here's the lesson.  The run itself on Sunday was extremely relaxing for me.  I was just in it for the jog and I was even mentally prepared to do it myself.  I'm starting to love my solo runs on Tuesday and Thursday more and more.  This is a stress reducer for me.  Last week was HELL for me at work and this time of the year doesn't exactly make it any easier.  Friday afternoon I went for a run and was able to completely leave my week behind me and enjoy my weekend.  While this whole experience is new and different and at times stressful, it is, overall, my stress reducer.
That being said... I yelled with JOY yesterday when I walked up the stairs after a long run (yes 11.5 is still a long run) and DIDN'T HAVE TO USE THE RAILING!!!!!! WHOOP WHOOP!!!!

Amazing...

Apparently I made this my mantra this week and I didn't even know it!!!  I'm gonna say that not only did I kick booty in my running (which is what this blog is about) but I also kicked booty in my job! April isn't usually the time that I feel like this... actually it's usually around October/November and it goes downhill from there! Usually around April is about the time I'm ready to get on to the next batch of students... NOT this week! We're savin' kiddos, one grade at a time in my classroom!!!

Anyway, enough of that.  So last weekend we ran a smaller 4 mile run.  I have to tell you, and this has nothing to do with my running partner and sister in law, but that 4 miler felt longer to me that my 4 miler that I do around my house.  (yes, I know that my 4 miler is 4 miles because I used my Nike+ ipod AND I mapped it on myrun.com) One of the things that Mags and I talked about on our run on Sunday, though, was what others think about this process.  

Now, know this about me, I have ALWAYS worried about what other people think.  It's a long ingrained issue that I have had since grade school (again, I'll explore it in therapy). So on this run, Mags and I started talking about what others think... I told her that I was very careful about who I told I was "running" a marathon and who I told I was "walk/running" a marathon.  I know that there are doubters out there that would tell me that I did not run an entire marathon if I Galloway-ed it.  And you know what Mags said to me? "WHO CARES?" 

I've thought about this all week.  I've come to the conclusion that I really don't.  I've heard several comments: "I find it very hard to believe that you can run/walk faster than you can run." (it's true, I can) "Can you call it running if you don't run the entire thing?" (I do) "Oh, so you don't run the entire thing (with that look and smile)" (no) But the conclusion I've really come to is the same thing Maggie said... "WHO CARES?!?!" Who cares if I'm running it or walking it or both? Why does it matter? 26.2 is 26.2 whether you run, walk, swim, hike, bike, or freaking drive (okay so driving isn't as impressive... well unless you're new to it!).  So this is the new one that's going up on my wall.